I'm beginning to realize that it's possible for me to feel lonely. I used to tell people, with a bit of pride, "I'm the sort that never gets lonely." Loneliness... is most painful when you feel it even when people are around you. People that matter.
I'm crying again. Why am I announcing this? Anyway, I love crying. For the few minutes when tears are streaming down my face I feel unafraid to be me. I, probably, not-so-secretly (now that I'm going to publish this entry) want someone to know that I'm hurting inside. At the same time, I'm a little glad that almost none of my friends know of the existence of this blog.
Okay, I'm feeling a little better now. I'm breathing. I'm alright. I can hardly remember the details or the cause of my sudden depression that came just moments ago. I don't really want to.
I have to draw more. I need to be able to put my feelings and thoughts into a piece of something. A sketch. A drawing. A painting. I need this, for my sanity. I've always had problems expressing myself; I still do. Even as I write this for the faceless world to read, I'm unable to fully channel my feelings into words. I can't be sure if this is because of my limited vocabulary or my own reluctance to open up.
I used to write on Multiply. I wrote what I thought, what I felt, and I often only feel the need to write when I'm really down or desperate for an outlet... so if you were subscribed to my updates then, I might have appeared to be quite a depressing or depressed person. I remember the day when I provided the link to my latest entry to one of my college mates who was doing Advertising and Graphics as his major. He read my entry about relationships and said something along the lines of, "Emoblogs... are just not cool."
Wha- that stung. I felt so... judged. Here's a link to our chatlog: [link]
I cropped off our screennames in order to protect his privacy. He didn't mean anything bad, that guy. But yeah, I had no idea that people saw it that way.
I need to stop wallowing in self-pity.
I need to draw more.