White Queen completed.

It's 3.00PM and I haven't had lunch yet. My stomach is making all kinds of noises in protest. ><

Finally completed my White Queen. Can't say I'm fully satisfied with the outcome though. I liked it better before values and colors were added. Meh. At least I managed to get the mood right.



click for larger view

Programs used: Painter IX(lines), Photoshop CS2(colors)
Graphics tablet: Wacom Graphire4
No references used.
Link to deviation: [link]
The Making of White Queen: [link]

Comment on it, stomp on it, give it some praise... something.

Grr... today's my day off. How come I always feel so inspired and motivated once I decide to take some rest? ._.

Something hurts. [WARNING: Pure EMO Entry]

Something hurts.

I'm beginning to realize that it's possible for me to feel lonely. I used to tell people, with a bit of pride, "I'm the sort that never gets lonely." Loneliness... is most painful when you feel it even when people are around you. People that matter.

I'm crying again. Why am I announcing this? Anyway, I love crying. For the few minutes when tears are streaming down my face I feel unafraid to be me. I, probably, not-so-secretly (now that I'm going to publish this entry) want someone to know that I'm hurting inside. At the same time, I'm a little glad that almost none of my friends know of the existence of this blog.

Okay, I'm feeling a little better now. I'm breathing. I'm alright. I can hardly remember the details or the cause of my sudden depression that came just moments ago. I don't really want to.

I have to draw more. I need to be able to put my feelings and thoughts into a piece of something. A sketch. A drawing. A painting. I need this, for my sanity. I've always had problems expressing myself; I still do. Even as I write this for the faceless world to read, I'm unable to fully channel my feelings into words. I can't be sure if this is because of my limited vocabulary or my own reluctance to open up.

I used to write on Multiply. I wrote what I thought, what I felt, and I often only feel the need to write when I'm really down or desperate for an outlet... so if you were subscribed to my updates then, I might have appeared to be quite a depressing or depressed person. I remember the day when I provided the link to my latest entry to one of my college mates who was doing Advertising and Graphics as his major. He read my entry about relationships and said something along the lines of, "Emoblogs... are just not cool."

Wha- that stung. I felt so... judged. Here's a link to our chatlog: [link]

I cropped off our screennames in order to protect his privacy. He didn't mean anything bad, that guy. But yeah, I had no idea that people saw it that way.

I need to stop wallowing in self-pity.
I need to draw more.

Last Friends.

Started watching "Last Friends" yesterday [Manda's recommendation] and I'm not sure if I can make myself sit through the entire series. It's so... full of pain. I'm only at Episode 3 and the j-drama already made me cry twice. Not because it's touching or anything, it's just so full of suffering and inner turmoil. The cast is crazy... they're really really good. Their character internalization and portrayal is one of the best I've seen so far, in Japanese dramas. Even when the series of events going on in the story feels only marginally believable, the characters and their suffering feel real.

I can't say if I like the series yet, but based on the issues it touches (domestic violence, gender identity issues, trauma... etc.), it's probably worth watching.

I'm going to download Episode 4 anyway, because I can relate to the stuff Ruka, one of the characters, is going through. Maybe also because I know I won't be at peace until all the characters get their shit resolved. ><

You can watch Last Friends online:-
Episode 1 - [link]
Episode 2 - [link]
Episode 3 - [link]
Episode 4 - 11 - [link]

Meh. Yet another unproductive day.

Today's doodle:-



You may click me if you're interested in seeing the detail-less full view.

Phaillllll.

Tuesday - Sinking and Floating

An artist that I really look up to once said that "suffering" is a kind of blessing. (Well, he said it in Chinese and there isn't an accurate English equivalent to the words 幸福, but "blessing" should be close enough.) He said that it's a sign that we're improving.

I've been trying to paint that White Queen drawing I made for a few days now. I'm stuck. This feels like suffering to me, without improving. I think I'm trying too hard. I think I'm not trying hard enough. Gahhhhhhhhhhh, anyway. I just finished a different painting.


Tuesday Wistfulness(click me for full view goodness)

Sinking.
Floating.

I really meant to do a quick painting without knowing exactly what I wanted. Spent more time than I intended on this one... almost my entire Tuesday, with lots of stops in between as usual. My own lack of focus amazes me. Hmm. I'm not sure if I'm fully satisfied with the outcome, but I like the overall feeling of this one.

Graphire4
Painted in Painter IX
Post-processing and texture spammage in Photoshop CS2
Textures - A mixture of Mayang's and some of my own.
Link to deviation: [link]
Progress/Steps: