Sunday, April 26, 2009

Guilt, ropes and things.

I want to run. Run so fast I'm breathless. I want to laugh. I want to be surrounded by friends. I want to cry and be embraced and be comforted like a silly child and be told it's okay. I lack... I don't know what I lack. I'm scared, I'm scared. I don't want to waste my youth away. So many dreams unlived. So much to be seen. Too many noises in my head. I don't know. I'm too careful, too afraid to be judged. Too afraid of everything. Guilt tugs at every corner. As I write this, I'm letting things...

I'm not sure anymore. Nothing feels real. Sometimes I'm thankful for things like the internet, but other times I loathe the convenience and immediacy it provides. It makes one's physical self stay there rooted to the chair, eyes fixed on the screen, afraid to miss every second's worth of information. When you can't absorb all of it anyway.

I want to smell new smells, breathe different air, take long walks and... laugh. These days my laughter feels hollow. Laughter out of amusement is quite different from a real, happy laugh.

I haven't done anything but I'm tired. So tired. I want to cut all ties, break all promises and run. Run away and away from obligations. Guilt, ropes and things.

I'm falling again. When will I hit the ground this time? I can then get up.