Guilt, ropes and things.

I want to run. Run so fast I'm breathless. I want to laugh. I want to be surrounded by friends. I want to cry and be embraced and be comforted like a silly child and be told it's okay. I lack... I don't know what I lack. I'm scared, I'm scared. I don't want to waste my youth away. So many dreams unlived. So much to be seen. Too many noises in my head. I don't know. I'm too careful, too afraid to be judged. Too afraid of everything. Guilt tugs at every corner. As I write this, I'm letting things...

I'm not sure anymore. Nothing feels real. Sometimes I'm thankful for things like the internet, but other times I loathe the convenience and immediacy it provides. It makes one's physical self stay there rooted to the chair, eyes fixed on the screen, afraid to miss every second's worth of information. When you can't absorb all of it anyway.

I want to smell new smells, breathe different air, take long walks and... laugh. These days my laughter feels hollow. Laughter out of amusement is quite different from a real, happy laugh.

I haven't done anything but I'm tired. So tired. I want to cut all ties, break all promises and run. Run away and away from obligations. Guilt, ropes and things.

I'm falling again. When will I hit the ground this time? I can then get up.

Rasen

螺旋 (Rasen)

私の何処かで
何かが消え失せ
サビついた怒りを
手放そうとしてる

私は鳥になり
雑踏を飛んで行く
迷いは羽根になり
全てを振り切って行く
Life
My Life
My Fragile Life
やっと気づいたの

この腕が伸びて
枝や茎になり
あなたを忘れる事で
天にまで届く

人ゴミの中で
洗い流したリズム
足をつかむ誰かを
そっとすり抜けて

私は鳥になり
雑踏を飛んで行く
迷いは羽根になり
全てを振り切って行く
Life
My Life
My Fragile Life
やっと気づいたの

Life
My Life
My Precious Life
やっと手に入れたの

---

Somewhere inside me, something has disappeared
I'm about to let go of my rusted-together anger

I become a bird and go flying over traffic
My doubts becomes wings
and I shake everything off
Life, my life, my fragile life
I've finally noticed it

These arms of mine stretch out and become branches and a stem
And in forgetting you I’ll reach heaven

Among the crowd is the rhythm that was washed away
I quietly make my way past someone who grabs my leg

I become a bird and go flying over traffic
My doubt becomes wings and I shake everything off
Life, my life, my fragile life,
I've finally noticed it

Life, my life, my precious life,
I’ve finally obtained it

- 鬼束ちひろ (Onitsuka Chihiro)

Listen to the song here: [link]

Tools:
Photoshop CS4, Wacom Graphire4

WIPs:


Close-up:


Link to deviation:
[link]

Round #1 : Speed Up!

I felt that I was taking way too much time on every single piece, and Edwin (a friend of mine) felt like he's too impatient and always rushing his pieces done. And so we came up with this crazy challenge thingy to push each other out of our comfort zones, and we'll probably be doing this for the whole of April.

Round 1: Speed Up - Finish 3 pieces in 5 days
Round 2: Slow Down - Spend 5 days on 1 piece
Round 3: Speed Up - Finish 3 pieces in 5 days
Round 4: Slow Down - Spend 5 days on 1 piece

But being the awesome procrastinator that I am, I think I did all three in a little over one day. OTL Brace your eyes.

Pink Marbles:




Coffee:

(I know. It looks like a bowl more than a cup. And so I phail.)



Mute Drownage:




Tools:
All 3 were done entirely in Photoshop.

Argh, flaws all over the place! If anything, it was a pretty satisfying experimentation with styles, but I feel kinda guilty for not putting much thought behind these. Which also explains the 'failful' titles. Feel free to suggest cooler ones.

Blue colored wishes in the rain

[beginning of rant] Photoshop CS4 loves me. Really, I never had a single program crash on me so many times in my life, all in the span of one painting. It made me go crazy paranoid and save really often. Save, Save, Save, Save, Save As,Save, Save, Save, Save, Save As... etc. Which is fine. And so I ended up with about 26 WIP files, 27 including the final. All 26 WIPs were saved successfully, but Photoshop had to fuck up on my final edit and leave me a corrupted file. Thank heavens CGHUB required that we hand in a hi-res file for the competition, so I had a full-sized JPEG saved. Still. That's my lossless hi-res PSD file right there, gone. Anyhow, all hail CGHUB. You are my savior. [end of rant]

Here's my entry for CGHUB's Natives of the Lifeless Forest Challenge. You can view the other entries as they come in here: [link], and the WIP threads here: [link]


Blue colored wishes in the rain
Anyway. If this image transports you, my work is done.

Link to deviation:
[link]

Thoughts on the painting:
I'm very used to fully fleshing out an idea in my head before starting to paint, but for this one I jumped right in with only a very loose idea. The painting started to turn in its own direction and slowly, the story became a mystery even to me. This new way of working is very refreshing. I hope it sucks you in like it sucked me in.

Tools:
Photoshop CS4, Wacom Graphire4

WIPs: