Uncomfortable Silences

It's 5.25am.

I don't know what I'm doing or feeling. Today (or yesterday) was actually a pretty good day. I met up with a bunch of people at Borders to sketch, and had a lot of fun talking to a friend from Belgium about our backgrounds and how we feel about being in a foreign country... and then we went to a place that made good burritos for dinner.

I'm not sure what happened, but I walked home feeling really sad. I didn't understand it at all. My wonderful roommates made me feel better for a while. And we talked about how Darren Hayes' "So Beautiful" made us feel. And I guess we all feel a little lonely inside because we decided in the end that it made us feel almost... envious. And happy and warm. But envious. I suddenly wanted someone to sing the song to.

Anyway. That wasn't really part of what I came on to write, I think.

I feel like I've never let anyone see me for who I truly am and I hate how it's so hard and how I just don't understand why I can't or don't. I wish words didn't exist so that there's no such thing as uncomfortable silences between people. I wish we didn't have to laugh and talk all the time to show that we like each other. I wish that language didn't exist because I think there's too huge a difference between how we really feel and what we say to express how we feel. I think a lot is lost in that transition.

My eyes hurt now. I feel stupid and lost and confused and it's too quiet. I think need an hour-long hug and I really want to go to the beach right now. I went with some friends on Friday and totally fell in love with the way it sounded and smelled.

The Dance of a Child Escapes Time

I finished the piece and even thought up a pretty title. Mummy and Daddy, hope you like!


The Dance of a Child Escapes Time
Tools:
Photoshop CS4, Wacom Graphire4, Straw Paper

WIPs:

Link to deviation:
[link]

Also, there's a one-page feature of my work in this month's ImagineFX issue. I saw it at Borders but it's so expensive! (15.99 USD + tax = RM60.52) *hyperventilates and dies* But Jon Woodward was kind enough to send me a scan of that page. :D


I met a whole bunch of crazy students from the Academy of Art on Monday. (There were 10 of us in total, sketching at the cafe at Borders.) It was totally awesome meeting a group of people who share the same passion! I feel quite intimidated too- they're all so good at what they do. Me, I still need to work being able to draw in front of others. I'm terrible at performing under pressure.

Been doing a lot of thinking too, about whether or not I want to further my studies and eventually lead a life here. I think I'm going to apply for the graduate program.

I still exist!

I still exist!

Okay, I feel really bad for not updating. I talked to my parents on the phone today and I'm suddenly reminded that my dad checks my blog really often. DADDDY, I'M SO SORRRRY!

So, what have I been up to? I'm working on 2 paintings and a short comic, and my excuse for not updating is because I don't really have anything completed yet. But posting a journal entry without any art in it is kinda against my personal blogging policies so... here are some WIPs.


(Currently Untitled)
Mum wanted something related to dancing for the new house. It's almost complete, I think? My sister thinks it's not clear that the little girl is dancing. I might want to fix that.


I am a watch (page one - draft)
A rough draft from my comic in the works. It's about a watch. I don't know.

I go to Borders really often these days. It's a great place to work because there's no internet! The Internet is Evil, Tempting and Distracting. Seeing people around me busy with their work gets me motivated to work hard too.

I love it here in San Francisco, although I miss my family. I really like the city and its people, I love how random people would come up to me and strike up a conversation and how the systems actually work here. I like that diversity is celebrated. It's been only 4 months and I already feel like I belong here.

Malaysia? I want to love Malaysia. The country where I was born. 22 years I've spent my life there, and I still don't feel 'included'. When the politicians say 'rakyat Malaysia', I hear 'bumiputra'. I want to love Malaysia. I really do.

But home. I wish it was just an hour away. My Mauritian roommates and I- we'd always talk about how good it would be if there's such a thing as teleportation... so that we won't have to choose. Why isn't it possible to be in two places at once?

Anyway, living here on my own has made me realize how hard my mum had it all these years, doing most of the work around the house on her own. I know it's ridiculous that it took me 22 years, but thank you Mum. And Dad too of course, for the support all these years!

Entropy is out!

Here's my contribution to the Entropy Art Project.


Harmony's Tune
Entropy is a beautiful classically animated and self-funded short film made by two really awesome people, Dane Jacobs and my good friend, Jeremy Hay. Voice/Vocals by Megan McKenzie.

Watch the film in full on YouTube: [link] (Running time: 3:45 min)
Buy the Entropy Pack here: [link] (4.00 USD)

The Entropy Pack includes the HD movie file, a 4-minute documentary on the making, pieces of art and wallpapers (resolutions up to 1920X1200) by 11 different artists and a remix of the music (which I adoreeee) from the film. The pack costs just $4, and in my honest opinion the beautiful music in the pack (Moon Melodies) is worth paying for on its own.

WIPs:

Tools:
Photoshop CS3, Wacom Graphire4

Some peekchures from Fanime:

I was at Fanime 2 weeks ago and it was awesome! I saw quite a few people I know on deviantART and somehow managed to summon all my (non-existent) social skills to go up and say hi to them and then shove some of my prints into their faces. I did the same to a few well-known artists who were there like Elda The, Stephanie Pui-Mun Law, Jeff Thomas (azuzephre) and Wen-M. *feels accomplished* 8D

Medusa, ATM & ID

Some lame sketches I did a few days back, but was too lazy to post.

Medusa
Medusa being all emo.




ATM
What I felt at the time I painted this.




deviantID
A simple sketch for my profile on deviantART.

Guilt, ropes and things.

I want to run. Run so fast I'm breathless. I want to laugh. I want to be surrounded by friends. I want to cry and be embraced and be comforted like a silly child and be told it's okay. I lack... I don't know what I lack. I'm scared, I'm scared. I don't want to waste my youth away. So many dreams unlived. So much to be seen. Too many noises in my head. I don't know. I'm too careful, too afraid to be judged. Too afraid of everything. Guilt tugs at every corner. As I write this, I'm letting things...

I'm not sure anymore. Nothing feels real. Sometimes I'm thankful for things like the internet, but other times I loathe the convenience and immediacy it provides. It makes one's physical self stay there rooted to the chair, eyes fixed on the screen, afraid to miss every second's worth of information. When you can't absorb all of it anyway.

I want to smell new smells, breathe different air, take long walks and... laugh. These days my laughter feels hollow. Laughter out of amusement is quite different from a real, happy laugh.

I haven't done anything but I'm tired. So tired. I want to cut all ties, break all promises and run. Run away and away from obligations. Guilt, ropes and things.

I'm falling again. When will I hit the ground this time? I can then get up.

Rasen

螺旋 (Rasen)

私の何処かで
何かが消え失せ
サビついた怒りを
手放そうとしてる

私は鳥になり
雑踏を飛んで行く
迷いは羽根になり
全てを振り切って行く
Life
My Life
My Fragile Life
やっと気づいたの

この腕が伸びて
枝や茎になり
あなたを忘れる事で
天にまで届く

人ゴミの中で
洗い流したリズム
足をつかむ誰かを
そっとすり抜けて

私は鳥になり
雑踏を飛んで行く
迷いは羽根になり
全てを振り切って行く
Life
My Life
My Fragile Life
やっと気づいたの

Life
My Life
My Precious Life
やっと手に入れたの

---

Somewhere inside me, something has disappeared
I'm about to let go of my rusted-together anger

I become a bird and go flying over traffic
My doubts becomes wings
and I shake everything off
Life, my life, my fragile life
I've finally noticed it

These arms of mine stretch out and become branches and a stem
And in forgetting you I’ll reach heaven

Among the crowd is the rhythm that was washed away
I quietly make my way past someone who grabs my leg

I become a bird and go flying over traffic
My doubt becomes wings and I shake everything off
Life, my life, my fragile life,
I've finally noticed it

Life, my life, my precious life,
I’ve finally obtained it

- 鬼束ちひろ (Onitsuka Chihiro)

Listen to the song here: [link]

Tools:
Photoshop CS4, Wacom Graphire4

WIPs:


Close-up:


Link to deviation:
[link]