It's 5.25am.
I don't know what I'm doing or feeling. Today (or yesterday) was actually a pretty good day. I met up with a bunch of people at Borders to sketch, and had a lot of fun talking to a friend from Belgium about our backgrounds and how we feel about being in a foreign country... and then we went to a place that made good burritos for dinner.
I'm not sure what happened, but I walked home feeling really sad. I didn't understand it at all. My wonderful roommates made me feel better for a while. And we talked about how Darren Hayes' "So Beautiful" made us feel. And I guess we all feel a little lonely inside because we decided in the end that it made us feel almost... envious. And happy and warm. But envious. I suddenly wanted someone to sing the song to.
Anyway. That wasn't really part of what I came on to write, I think.
I feel like I've never let anyone see me for who I truly am and I hate how it's so hard and how I just don't understand why I can't or don't. I wish words didn't exist so that there's no such thing as uncomfortable silences between people. I wish we didn't have to laugh and talk all the time to show that we like each other. I wish that language didn't exist because I think there's too huge a difference between how we really feel and what we say to express how we feel. I think a lot is lost in that transition.
My eyes hurt now. I feel stupid and lost and confused and it's too quiet. I think need an hour-long hug and I really want to go to the beach right now. I went with some friends on Friday and totally fell in love with the way it sounded and smelled.
I guess in a way I could identify with you. I was at that point somewhere in my life before. Listening to Dido's Here With Me.. and thinking about that person that I'm waiting for.. wondering who she is. would I ever meet her.
ReplyDeleteI've met her. And she's in my life now. But at the same time... I can't exactly be with her. She's in Malaysia and I am here. So it's a long distance relationship. And sometimes walking around alone, it is quite sad. To see people with ther loved ones, being hugged, being kissed, while here you are.. alone.. with the only person who can complete you being halfway accross the world. At the end of the day, haha.. I don't know which is worse, not having someone, or finally finding that one, and not be able to be by her side.
omg I turned this comment into a rant but I guess my point is, you're not alone. And yeah, things like this comes once in a while that's why I always try to surround myself with people. It doesn't totally cure the pain but it helps in a way. And about showing yourself, one day you will be able to find that one person whom you can be yourself with. Haha. So no worries.
P.S: Oh, and once you find that someone you'll realise marriage isn't such a depressing thing after all. Haha. Cheers YOU FOO! lol. :)
Aww, Emerson! *hug* You'll be back in your country after graduating and things will be whole again. :)
ReplyDeleteAs for me, I wasn't exactly unhappy about being single. All of the sudden, I just felt really uncomfortable with the person I am inside... it's a feeling close to shame, somehow. I don't really know why, but it's so hard for me to open up to people although I want to very badly.
I personally believe that when you're comfortable enough with someone, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend of family, or even a COMPLETE stranger, there is no need for words, laughter and tears to express emotions. Cos when the silence falls, and you can enjoy it, looking out in thin air and keeping a mute conversation, that's when you TRULY enjoy the company of whoever sits beside you.
ReplyDeleteSo it's not too odd you feel that way, because maybe you have yet to discover that person. They're special, you can't find them under the Christmas tree. But when you first find one, you want to hold onto him/her for forever.
As for the song, everyone has that one song (or some of us have several songs) that will play our emotions a trick. That's how music work on the human mind. Personally I try to use it for the positive. Music changes me into a dare devil, makes me do stuff I usually wouldn't dare.
I too do have songs making me feel utmost lonely, or as you place it, envious of whatever the singer has/sings about/experiences etc. It makes us human!
And last, about not being yourself and showing it. You're not alone. Almost all the worlds population is like that. Being yourself is though, because, then when someone judges you, they'll judge YOU. Putting on a mask and hiding the true you, that's when you don't care. Cos then the person people judge ISN'T you, so you get home, throw off the mask and you're your own, un judged self. If that makes any sense.
Personally, I'm myself, and mostly I experience how people prefer talking to me over anyone else. Cos they know I'll listen, give them honest advices and be there for them. I'm always me, tomorrow I'm not suddenly someone else.
So, slowly, try to dare and be yourself, it's though, it sure sucks sometimes, but in the end, the reward is even greater than you can imagine!
Hope my words brought some courage (and sense) to you, love *hugs*
HI i really like your works please keep it up!
ReplyDeletejesus, i know how that feels, i hope you're feelin better by now but if not...thats ok too, just keep going, being creative and artistic and it'll come good in the end
ReplyDeleteSorry you're feeling down. It happens to everyone. You're a smart, talented, cool person. Don't worry, it'll get better. I hope something nice happens to you today.
ReplyDeleteYour work is so insanely beautiful! I hope you're feeling better because apparently you're awesome. :)
ReplyDelete*hug*
ReplyDelete